I hope I am done looking!

I don't feel sick stressing about a career! I do however have a problem at the moment about being seriously distracted and not getting any Chemistry studying happening. Who cares right now anyways? I am stoked, however many people tell me, "Oh you will be a terrible psychologist." and "I give it two weeks until you change your mind again." I don't care! That's silly, that is actually why people tell me I would be awful; because I am not emphatic and don't care about people a lot of the time. That makes me feel stupid. ANYWAYS, I will just ignore that, as any of you reading this should do. Who am I kidding? Nobody reads this.
The reason why I have decided upon this and decided it is final? Because, I feel like I am not searching, like I am satisfied and don't feel pushed to stress myself out by continuously looking for answers. I have found a career where I can: indirectly help others, directly help others, study interesting material, be involved in logical thinking that is applied with purpose and not applied to society and machines, a broad range which all interests me and some more areas more than the rest! I have too many interests, that is why it is very hard to pick an area, since I am not extremely interested in any. The field within psychology that I find most attraction is Experimental Psychology.

"Experimental psychologists work in a wide variety of settings including colleges, universities, research centers, government and private businesses. Some of these professionals may focus on teaching experimental methods to students, while others conduct research on cognitive processes, animal behavior, neuroscience, personality and many other subject areas."
http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl-psychologycareerquiz.htm?questnum=10&aa=952&bb=3803&cc=4280&dd=3800&ee=1425&ff=3325

The Dream

I had a lovely dream.  I think, maybe I dreamed it as a play. There was two people a girl and a boy. The girl was mad because her best friend ditched her for this cute boy in some way. She was really upset, I guess she must have missed her birthday or something. The cute boy comforted her because he didn't know. Told her that they were to make the best friend jealous by holding hands in the halls. She was so intimidated by boys but it wasn't like this was flirtatious or anything so she felt okay. He looked over his shoulder at her and she was looking down at her feet to hide her rosy cheeks. Wow! She liked him, he probably would have never new. He sweeps the hand that she is holding around her shoulder and smiled sweetly at her. She makes eye contact and smiles a wide grin. He leans in and kisses her; she is so shocked, but his kiss tastes so sweet she leans in. With his back now pressed against a locker and people in the hall staring he twirls her and goes down on one knee with his arms spread wide, "Will you be my princess?" he says with the brightest blue eyes. She looks left and right, slightly embarrassed and then sees his childish grin and nods profusely at the site of this charming lover. They embrace and her best friend walks by glaring. WAKE UP.

So cute. I want a boyfriend haha, uh gross. I am such a little girl. 

11/7/2012

Colors I don't like.


Lately I don't want hugs.
I had 'dream' tea this morning.
I feel imbalanced as usual.

"If your favorite color is red, you are action oriented with a deep need for physical fulfillment and to experience life through the five senses.
If your personality color is pink you have a deep need to be accepted and loved unconditionally."

Shall' I spin my internal wheel? Change likes to dislikes, dislikes to likes?

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I love red and pink, they are my favorite colors.

I hate him. I hate me.

11/6/2012

Today I feel inclined towards the colors Orange, Brown and Blue.
I am drinking earl grey tea, a calm happy tea.
I want to be a singer in a band. I don't want a career.
I wish I could play guitar better.
I have too much homework to have fun.
I am going to play InkLink now.




If orange is your favorite color, you have a great need to be with people, to socialize with them, and be accepted and respected as part of a group. You also have a need for challenges in your life, whether it is physical or social challenges.Lovers of blue have a deep need to find inner peace and truth, to live their life according to their ideals and beliefs without having to change their inflexible viewpoint of life to satisfy others.

Lovers of brown have a deep need for a safe, secure, simple and comfortable existence with supportive family and friends.
http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/personality-color.html

"Hey."

My eyes were closed, my mind whirling so I tried to be patient and wait to doze off tonight. The morning will come soon and I will have to awaken tired once again. As I slept this summer night, cold in bed I dreamed of Christmas presents and how they could be a way to make my father happy. A new boat for my dad  half paid for by my mother who could have a job with the courier delivering papers to  houses. Then maybe my dad would hate working a little less, knowing my mother had a job. I never got as far as to dream of what my mother would want, she bores me with her lack of activities and interests. I hate that they put so much of their hope in me, I don't my life to be the reason for them to live or stay together. Thinking that I am the reason they are together, to provide for me I suppose just makes me want them to have a divorce. Which would not solve a thing considering my mom has no idea how to be an adult and my grandma would go mad if she had to take her daughter in.
Then I thought of pintrest, a site my sister suggested and that I should write my favorite recipes Kota has shown me. Like baked peppers with rice and ham inside, or fried porgies with a blend of delicious spices. How I could post my craft projects, my drapery hooks that I covered in ribbon and bought for $1.00 each! And my quaint little candle plate which will soon have buttons covering it instead of the typical rocks or sand, I just have to find them. Maybe castanet?
I am glad to return to school after this fail of a summer, details will come when I am in a mood for it. I am actually okay with the courses I have set up right now, odd since I am never satisfied with anything. Actually that isn't entirely true, I want to switch my socials teacher to another one, Smith. I am atrocious at setting up my future decisions, like not trying to take band until grade 11. Yeah, that one failed. Or trying to take drafting B before taking drafting A just because I think I deserve some sort of grace which I have had my share of already.
Tonight I had one of those out of body feelings again, where I am not present, I am just out of reach. This seems to be a recurring thing for me lately. I don't know what makes me who I am, or if I will ever become who I used to be again where I actually liked who I am, er um was. I snapped at my mother after she had the nerve of asking if my friend was a good person. I don't want her to be one of those damn fucking stupid mothers that ban their children from seeing people who are 'bad influences' which according to 4 or 5 of my friends parents I fit the bill of. Then I went outside to breath, waded in my pool until realizing that the sprinklers were on and remaining still as it chilled my body and wet my pajama shirt and shorts. It felt real, and so good but not the way I think good should feel, there wasn't enough emotion in that simple pleasure which saddens me. Its rare to feel pure joy for me, I miss being young and nieve enough to think the world was good and that if you just trust people they will never try and break into your house. Yeah, some dumb kids tried last week. I slowly bent my knees and felt the rim of my shirt start to float around its edges in the water. I fully emerged hoping to feel ease of life's strains. Taking off my clothes made me feel empowered and I drained them a bit and set them to the side while I leaned back and moved my arms side to side in the water as if swaying. Then I dried my hair with a towel and tried to sleep.
And here I am now, done my second episode of Di-Gata Defenders and ready to try and sleep again.